When chatrooms go bad!
by 0fficials3xcs3xc
Summary: The Characters of twilight go online to chat... what happens is lead to crazy things... tops off?... Murders commited?....Rated M just because I might slip later with the Language and stuff. so yea. Enjoy!
1. The opening yay!

**Ok so I have seen a bunch of these parody chat room thingys, some I have read have been hilarious. So I decided to do one because I have done so much funny stuff myself. This will include the main characters of twilight and maybe some random people. So enjoy the awesome randomness.**

Ok so I need to know how I am doing so I can continue this so leave me something nice and cute.... **3**

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**Bella signed on  
Edward signed on  
Emmett signed on  
Rosalie signed on**

Emmett: Hey guys what's up?

Edward: obviously you have to be the upbeat one. ***Rolls eyes***

Bella: Oh Eddie lumps don't be so mean to your brother.

Emmett: You actually let her call you Eddie lumps? ***shakes head***

Rosalie: Oh Emmie Wemmie why can't you just leave Eddie lumps alone.  
***flashes sparkly white teeth***

Emmett: because it is funny to bother Eddie lumps. Lol.

**Renesmee signed on**

Emmett: everybody quiet the baby is on.

Renesmee: I have you know I am 7 years old Mr. Emmie Wemmie.

Edward: lol. Anyhow now we have to censor the chat. Parental controls my love.

Bella: Oh Eddie she needs to learn we can't shelter her forever.

Emmett: duckity... duck... duck... duck ***grins***

Rosalie: WTH? Was that? ***raises eyebrow***

Emmett: Eddie lumps said we have to censor the chat so I did.

Renesmee: you know what I am going to find Jacob he doesn't shelter anything from me ***sticks out tongue*  
**  
Edward: NOOO! Young lady you are grounded now.

Renesmee: you can't ground what is dead. Making me ungroundable.

Emmett: she has a point there Eddie lumps.

Edward: STOP CALLING ME EDDIE LUMPS! *growls*

Emmett: Bella started it. *Points finger at computer screen*

Bella: oh right blame me. I was only trying to make my husband happy. ***Winks at Edward***

Edward: don't worry love you already make me happy. ***Blows kiss to Bella***

Renesmee: I think I am going to be sick.

**Renesmee signed off**

Emmett: phew now we can go back to being uncensored. Now take your top of Rosalie. *pulls shirt off*

Edward: Emmett please put your shirt back on.

Bella: I thought this meant the chat was uncensored?** *looks confused* =/**

Emmett: told ya now Bella take your top off. ***Grins widely***

Bella: NO!

Rosalie: this is getting a little too crazy for me. I am going to go brush my hair. You are joining me. ***points at Emmett***

Emmett: oh come on I want to have fun. ***frowns***

Rosalie: if you don't you can forget about getting some. ***sounded so serious scared the cows and the chickens*  
**  
Emmett: fine ***frowns***

**Emmett signed off  
Rosalie signed off**

Edward: so it is just you and me my love.** ^_^**

Bella: I love you **=***

Edward: I love you more **=***

Bella: I love you more…more **=***

Edward: I love you more more…more **[Kiss]**

**Alice signed on  
Jasper signed on**

Bella: I love you more more…more…more **[Kiss]**

Alice:*screams* ah we caught them in the middle of a I love you war

Jasper: I sure feel the love right now** ^_^**

Alice: I love you Jasper

Jasper: I love you Alice

Alice: ah it is contagious ***screams***

Edward: I love you more more…more…more…more **[Kiss]**

Alice: snap out of it

Bella:** *_*** I love you Edward

Edward: ***_*** I love you Bella

Alice: stop it now ***yells***

Edward: sorry Alice ***frowns***

**Jacob signed on with Renesmee**

Edward: what is my daughter doing at your house? Renesmee you are grounded.

Jacob: ***looks at Renesmee*** you didn't tell me you were grounded Nessie

Renesmee: oh please that's why I told you to log on to the wolf chat  
room but no you wanted to know what the vampires were doing. ***moves hands around adding effect***

Edward: Renesmee I want you home now!

**Emmett signed on**

Emmett: so who took their top off? What did I miss?

Edward: no one took their top off ***pinches bridge of his nose***

Emmett: ***shrieks*** I thought she had logged off ***Points at Renesmee*** now we have to censor that chat again

Renesmee: I told you I am not a baby ***Pouts and crosses arms***

Jasper: are you being serious? You just made yourself look like a baby.

Alice: oh Jasper kids will be kids**. : )**

Jacob: Nessie is far from a kid ***-***

Edward: stop thinking such things about my daughter mutt! Renesmee come home now

**Rosalie signed on**

Emmett: eep

**Emmett signed off**

Rosalie: Ugh

**Rosalie signed off**

Jacob: what was that about?

Bella: you don't want to know **[shakes head]**

Alice: I am out of here. Let's go shopping Jasper.

Jasper: ok my love.

**Alice signed out  
Jasper signed out**

Jacob: umm yea awkward. I have to go fix some stuff bye.

Edward: Renesmee home! Now!

**Jacob signed out  
**  
Edward: that daughter of mine **[shakes head**]

Bella: well I love you Eddie lumps **[Blows Kiss]**

PART 2:

**Jacob signed on  
Renesmee signed on**

Jacob: Hey honey **^_^**

Renesmee: we can't be more uncensored daddy put a parental block on my computer, figures the man is horrible [Pouts]

Jacob: it is ok we can just meet up later to *****#%%^*{%#*{^%].?€{

Renesmee: what the hell? I think you have a virus.

Jacob: no your computer is blocking all the {*}]^{*€}%*€€|*{*}%^*{*}^}€^} I am typing to you.

Renesmee: What? This makes no sense.

Jacob:%{£!}€}£}*{*%{^{**}}^€£}^*}^^{¥¥++*+^}?*{?{*|€{€

Renesmee: ok we will talk later ok bye.

**Renesmee signed off**

Edward: that serves you right mutt for messing with my daughter.  
[Growls]

Jacob: eep

**Jacob signed off**

**Bella signed on  
Emmett signed on**

Emmett: howz it

Bella: Emmett seriously! Edward Renesmee is really upset because of the parental control you put on her computer.

Edward: serves her right.

Emmett: Oh so Eddie lumps put a parental block on princess annoying computer?

Bella: yea and she has been really upset. **[Growls at Edward]**

Edward: She needs to learn not to disobey me, did you know Jacob has been trying to do things with her. I am going to rip his body parts limb by limb. **[Scowls]**

Bella: Calm down Edward!

**Alice Signed on**

Alice: stop thinking what you are thinking. Every time you think something you disappear and it is because you are trying to kill Jacob huh! I wanted to go shopping but I can't because you keep disappearing. Ugh.

**Carlisle signed on**

Carlisle: Son please you are making Renesmee very upset she ran to my office. She said you are going to kill Jacob.

Edward: I am not going to kill him** [chuckles like a maniac]** I am just going to castrate him. Solves all the problems we may have.

Bella: Edward!

Emmett: This time I am on Eddie lumps side.

**TO BE CONTINUED. **

Will Edward kill Jacob?

Well Review and let me know how I am doing. I have some funny ideas for this.


	2. Jacob is gone missing and Nessie is sad

Ok so I decided I won't update this as frequently, but I will continue it so it may come out whenever I just write it. So Hope you enjoy, I decide as well this won't be like Instant messaging only, it has a story base as well and a very very very funny annoying sweety Emmet that I love. Sorry if it has some mistakes I don't find the need to proofread these they are just for fun. Well Enjoy and tell me what ya think.....

Disclaimer: these are SM Characters with a twist by me....

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**

~~~~Where we left off~~~~~~~~

**Bella:** you can't do that, Renesmee would be very upset with you, if you go through with it.

**Edward**: we will talk about this later dear. ***smiles evily***

**Carlisle**: don't do something you will regret son.

**Everyone signs off**

**--Two hours later--**

**Alice signed on**

**Bella signed on**

**Alice**: OMG Bella I am so sorry how is Renesmee going through with it?

**Bella: **She is highly upset, we didn't think it was going to happen like this. He was her best friend.

**Alice**: I think secretly he was everyones best friend, even Rosalie.

**Bella**: I know I loved him, she couldn't go to sleep without him. She cried every night for him since the day she was born.

**Emmett signed on**

**Emmett:** I am so sorry for the lost Bella **: /**

**Bella:** thanks Emmett

**Emmett**: how is she taking it?

**Bella:** Jasper is trying to calm her down with his mood controls. So far it isn't really working. It is as a piece of her soul was ripped out.

**Emmett:** must be very tuff on her no kid should have to go through that. Even I loved him a lot, poor pup didn't stand a chance in this cold, cold world**. *silently cried if he could* T-T**

**Alice:** Well I am going to go get everything ready for the funeral.

**Alice signed off**

**Emmett:** I think I am going to crawl into a ball T-T he was my bestest buddy.

**Emmet signed off**

**Bella**: How am I going to deal with this. **[Puts hand on forehead an shakes head]**

**Bella signs off**

**-- wolf chat room--**

**Quil**: Has anyone seen Jake?

**Embry:** No it's weird seems like he has gone missing, haven't heard from him since earlier today. Something about Edward trying to kill him.

**Quil:** Dang today is poke Jacob with a stick day. I always look forward to it since Claire is with her family at Makah Rez**. [sighs deeply]**

**Seth signed on**

**Seth**: Omg did you guys hear?

**Embry:** here what Seth?

**Seth: **The funeral is today**. T-T**

**Quil:** what funeral?

**Seth:** we were all invited to the Cullen's for the funeral **T-T** Edward really did it this time. **T-T [cries harder]**

**Embry: **He killed Jake?

**Bad connection Seth is disconnected.**

**Quil**: We need to get over there and get revenge.

**Embry**: I agree.

---

* * *

**--Nessie and Jasper--**

"I can't believe he really killed my best friend" is crying like a maniac. Jasper is hugging her trying to comfort sending her happy soothing emotions.

"I know sweet heart I know." Jasper soothed his niece even more.

No one knew where Edward was he disappeared after they found the dead body. It was as if he had something to do with it but escaped the scene of the crime. Nessie was going through it knowing the person she loved was gone and that she wouldn't see him again or be able to hear his snores at night or his little whimpers when he is dreaming. It was a dark day at the Cullen manor. All the Cullens loved him he was part of the family.

Everyone would be mourning the poor creature. He would be deeply missed.

---

* * *

**Emmett**

"I am bored!" I crossed my arms and sulked on the couch. Where the hell is Eddie lumps so I can torture him.

I had a brilliant plan and was going to make Nessie and everyone in the house happy and excited again. First things first I need the help of the pack. He he he how come I never thought of this before?

--

Emmett walks to the deep end of the house in hopes of not getting caught by any of his vampire family. He runs into Edward's old room and grabs a cd from the many of collections that Edward has to offer. He smirks as he runs back to his room and to his computer. Emmett is up to his biggest event ever.

Emmett was feeling guilty since he knew he had something to do with the sudden death of his little nieces best friend. This makes him sad since he knew that was his Bestest buddy and it was always fun to upset the tight wad that is Edward even thought Bella has a different opinion on him.

Emmett tapped his lips with a pencil as he was sketching out his plan to perfection. Even though Emmett is a vampire and has no need he could incision it better in his mind. He kind of wanted to see how it would look like on paper.

Emmett was interrupeted from his thoughts from an instant message that popped up on his screen.

--

**Alice:** I am in.

**Emmett:** sweet meetcha at Benny's meat shop in ten minutes.

**Alice:** okie dokie. It should be just you and me no mutts ok.

**Emmett**: awesome let's get to it.

**Emmett signed off**

**Alice signed off**

**Edward**: I should have known. They are committing mutiny.

---

* * *

**Alice.**

I agreed to go along with Emmett's plan which is a first to me, but after seeing the vision I knew I had to get the credit as well. This plan on making everyone happy was a sure fire plan to get Nessie happy. I know she will get over losing her best friend I even miss the fluff ball myself. Omg I need a new outfit as well.

"Emmett we need outfits to go along with your plan. In my vision I saw we were wearing army fatigues. Of course mine were dazled up with bam and sparkles." I literally shrieked with excitement. Emmett rolled his eyes as we proceeded into the meat shop.

I smelled the blood of different animals that they slaughter here. It smelled simply delicious. I knew I could handle my thirst since me and Jazzy went hunting earlier this morning.

"So what are we getting?" Emmett asked me. He was staring at a rack of sausage. Then I got a vision.

---

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**Edward**

I can't belive my own family are plotting against me, this makes me sad. I need Bella but she is mad at me as well. It wasn't my fault that my daughter loved him. He should have never got in the way, now I have to explain to my eight year old daughter why her Best friend is dead and decapitated. Arghhh!!! I need my BELLA!!!!! I swear things were so much easier when My Bella was still Human. How un pleasant things become over the years. Don't get me wrong, My daughter is a blessing and I love her very much.

Off to face the concesqunces and the wrath of my Beautiful Bella and My daughter. Ughh today is goig to be a crappy day.

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Now tellzz me waacha think??? I know lovezz it hatezzz it I wanna know.. Oh by the way you won't be disappointed by any outcomes the Cullens and the pack are super funny and like to get into shananigins.. wellls leave me something Cutezz!!! ^-^


	3. Blog post's, Edward shananigan plans

**A/N: Ok this has a blog post, chat and mini story... Well Hope you enjoy next chapter is Emmett and Alice's plan and Edward's plan to get the mutiny. BTW they are makin the house happy not planning against Edward. Well Enjoy!!! OO and review plzzz well thats it!!**

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**

Jacob's blog post.

**  
------12:09pm------**

Nessie just came over and I didn't know she was grounded. I was having daydreams about her as usual. I love that girl I really do. Well I will be back lata luv you guys.

PS---

Oh and to Embry and Quil It is not poke Jacob with a stick day and keep your hands off my Doritos.

Jacob-luvs-Nessie

* * *

**Emmett's blog post.**

-----12:35pm-----

Oh my god! My best bud is missing and little ness is crying. Is nothing in this world safe anymore? Edward just got in the house with a smile of satisfaction. I swear I had nothing to do with my best bud missing. T_T I could never do something like that to him.

Emmett-is-amazing

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**Bella's blog post.  
**  
**-------1:05pm------**

Edward is missing again! He left he said he had some business to handle and that he would be back soon. I have no clue what he is up to. My daughter is crying because her best friend is missing. I just hope Edward had nothing to do with this. I swear if Edward had something to do with the disappearance of my daughter's best friend he gets no sex for the next month. I know how much Edward loves to fuck me.

Bella-got-it-going-on.

* * *

**Alice's blog post.**

**-----1:55pm------**

I keep on having clear visions. Oh my god!!! They have the most fabulous shoes in my favorite boutique in Paris. Yay! I am getting those shoes! Yay me! [Claps hands] maybe I can get Nessie a new pair of shoes and she won't be so upset! Oh brain storm. I have to go shopping!

Alice-is-a-shopaholic.

* * *

Edward approached the edge of the clearing about to jump the small river to the main house. He was upset with himself for killing his daughter's stuffed puppy that Jacob got for her a week after she was born. Edward sighed and approached the house. How was he going to tell his daughter he was sorry, that it wasn't really his fault? Jacob had thrown the stuffed animal at him when he was trying to dodge the hits. If anyone is to blame it is Jacob for the destruction of the poor innocent stuffed animal. For crying out loud it is only a stuffed animal. When Edward made it to the house there were three wolves in his backyard plotting something.

_**You get Emmett Quil, I get Jasper and Blondie, Seth you get Alice and Edward- Embry. **_

I walked over to the wolves and cleared my throat. They all seemed to be startled at my appearance so I made it clear to them that this wasn't what they thought. They all thought that i killed Jacob Black, which I did not the punk ran with his tail between his legs as far as I chases him to the Canadian Border.

"Just to let you guys know I did not kill Jacob Black, even though I want to kill him. How about we have a proposal? Alice and Emmett are plotting something against me and I will compensate you greatly by taking you guys to the all you can eat buffet." They all nodded in agreement. Ah wolves they are so easy to use. 

So I was going to use the wolves to stop the mutiny between Alice and Emmett. Those two shall learn not to mess with Edward Cullen. **[Laughs evilly]**

**Vampire Chat room**

**Bella signed on**

**Esme signed on**

**Jasper signed on**

**Bella:** oh hey guys have anyone seen Edward because I am going to kill him.

**Jasper:** No I thought he was back by now; he probably killed Jacob and is hiding the body right now. LOL. **:-)**

**Esme:** Oh Jasper don't say that Nessie would be very upset if that were true.

**Bella:** For Edward's sake that better not be true. I love that man, but if he hurt our Daughter I will quarantine his ass.

**Jasper:** Now that's kinda harsh now don't you think Bella?

**Bella:** No I don't I love Nessie so much she is my only child and I will protect her even if it means Edward being depressed for two weeks.

**Esme:** I think Bella has a point.

**Bella:** Thank you Esme.** :-)**

**Rosalie signed on**

**Rosalie: **Has anyone seen Emmett?

**Jasper:** He went somewhere with Alice which I find strange. I thought Alice Loved me to include me in her plans **T-T**

**Bella:** that is strange since when does Alice hang out with Emmett?

**Esme:** Real strange, well I am going to go check on Nessie.

**Esme Signed off**

**Bella:** Well that must mean Emmett is up for one of his adventures. **[Sighs]**

**Rosalie: **that means I need to go find him to stop him. [Double sighs]

**Jasper: **I will go with you.

**Rosalie: **Ok let's go

**Rosalie signed off**

**Jasper signed off**

**Bella: **Again I am left all alone**. T-T**

**Jacob signed on**

**Bella: **Jake you're alive!!

**Jacob**: Barely your psychotic husband chased me to Canada. The only thing that saved me was throwing the stuffed animal I gave to Nessie when she was a baby.

**Bella**: I think you should talk to her she thinks Edward killed you, we all thought she was crying because of the stuffed animal but I know it was because of youshe was crying**.**

**Jacob: **I will text her or tell her to sign on and I will tell her through video chat. I don't think I have the guts to go to the house right now not until Edward cools down**. **

**Bella: **Ok Jake have it your way. Well I have to go see ya later.

**Bella signed off**

**Jacob: **Again I am alone T-T


End file.
